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From Beaches to Brunch: A Sarcastic Guide to Kennebunkport Vacation

a couple of yellow chairs on a beach

So, you're a fancy traveler who's ready to hit up New England for some posh vacation vibes? Look no further than Kennebunkport, where the beaches are as pristine as your designer sunglasses. From luxurious hotels to mouth-watering brunch spots, this sarcastic guide will show you how to do Kennebunkport in style. So grab your beach towel and let's dive in!

Befriending the Sand at Kennebunkport Beaches

If you think befriending the locals is the way to a rich cultural experience, you've clearly never tried making pals with the grains of sand at Kennebunkport beaches. Goose Rocks Beach, Colony Beach, Gooch’s Beach - oh, the social circles you’ll penetrate! Each grain of sand tells a story, probably about the countless designer flip-flops it’s had the pleasure of caressing. And let's not forget the ultimate beach pastime – perfecting your tan lines to an art form that would make Michelangelo weep with envy. Remember, in Kennebunkport, the beach isn't just a beach; it's a runway for sun worshippers and sandcastle connoisseurs alike. So, throw on your most extravagant swimwear, and prepare to strut down the sands like it's fashion week. Who needs the catwalk when you've got the entire Atlantic as your backdrop?

Living the High Life at The Tides Beach Club

Ah, The Tides Beach Club, where the beds are so fluffy, you'd swear they were filled with the dreams of lesser accommodations. This isn't just a place to drop your outrageously expensive luggage; it's where you go to live out your most opulent fantasies. Picture this: sipping a meticulously crafted cocktail that costs more than a small country's GDP, all while lounging by a pool so exclusive, even the water feels privileged to be there. Here, the ocean views compete with the glitz of the guests, and the only thing deeper than your pockets will need to be is the conversation you attempt to strike up with the equally posh clientele. Forget about mingling with mere mortals; at The Tides Beach Club, you're in the league of extraordinary spenders. So, fluff up your ego along with your pillows and embrace the high life. It's not just an experience; it's a statement. One that says, "I've arrived, and I'll probably never want to leave."

a pancake with chocolate spread and banana slices on top

Brunching Like You Mean It at Via Sophia by the Sea

At Via Sophia by the Sea, brunch is not just a meal; it's a sacred ritual for the socially elite and avocado toast aficionados. This isn't your grandma's pancake breakfast. Oh no, we're talking about a culinary spectacle where the Bloody Marys are as garnished as a Christmas tree and the eggs Benedict comes with a side of ocean view so breathtaking, you'll forget to Instagram your plate (but you’ll remember, don’t worry). Imagine savoring a lobster roll so fresh, it practically winks at you from your plate, all while basking in the kind of ambiance that screams "I’m living my best life, peasants!" So, pull up a chair, order that mimosa flight (because why settle for one when you can sample them all?), and revel in the glory that is brunching like a monarch. After all, if you're going to start your day anywhere in Kennebunkport, it might as well be a place where the dress code unofficially requires pearls and the seafood whispers sweet nothings to your taste buds.

Elevating Lunch at The Boathouse Restaurant

Oh, you thought brunch was the peak of your culinary journey in Kennebunkport? Buckle up, buttercup, because lunch at The Boathouse Restaurant is where your tastebuds get their master's degree. Perched majestically on the water's edge, this isn't just a dining spot; it's your gateway to the high seas of gastronomy. Picture yourself elegantly demolishing a lobster roll so divine, it could make a grown mermaid cry. And let's talk about the views – if you can tear your eyes away from your plate long enough, you're treated to a waterfront vista so stunning, it'll make you ponder deep, existential questions... like whether you should order another round of oysters or go straight for the dessert. The Boathouse isn't just serving lunch; it's elevating it to a form of art. So, slick back your hair, practice your most refined laugh, and prepare to indulge in a meal that's as opulent as your dreams of maritime grandeur. Just remember, it's not showing off if you can back it up with exquisite taste.

Spa-ing and Pooling at Hidden Pond

Slide into a state of bliss at the Tree Spa at Hidden Pond, where the massages are so transformative, you'll forget your own name for a blissful moment. It's the kind of pampering that makes you question whether you're still on planet Earth or have been transported to a spa utopia where the squirrels give standing ovations and the trees whisper sweet nothings about relaxation. After you've been kneaded and pampered into a state of euphoric doughiness, saunter over to the pool. Dive into waters so serene and inviting, you'll wonder if you've inadvertently become part of an exclusive mermaid club. This isn't just any pool; it's a liquid luxury lounge where the water is as clear as your suddenly stress-free conscience. Here at Hidden Pond, we don't just spa and pool; we elevate the very concepts. So, prepare to float in opulence - it’s like a baptism into the high life, but with better robes and infinitely more cucumber water.

a man and woman on paddle boards

Paddling and Pedaling Adventures

Ready to prove that your adventurous spirit isn't just for show? Let Coastal Maine Kayak & Bike and Summer Feet Bicycle Tours inject some real action into your luxury escapade. With kayak and stand-up paddleboard rentals, you can glide over the water with the grace of a swan—if swans were concerned with maintaining a perfect tan and not flipping over in front of an audience. And if you're looking to trade your paddle for pedals, join a cycling tour that promises to be the most scenic calorie burn you've ever experienced. Imagine pedaling along the coast, the wind in your hair, and the realization hitting that this might just be the first physical exertion you’ve enjoyed since mistaking the spa’s steam room for a workout. Adventure in Kennebunkport? It’s not just possible; it’s a luxurious, sweat-minimizing reality.

Whale Watching and Golfing - Because Why Not?

Tired of the terrestrial teeter-totter of luxury life? Why not fling yourself into the briny deep without getting wet or swing into action with a golf club in hand? Whale watching in Kennebunkport is like attending a silent disco hosted by the ocean's very own DJ Humpback. You'll be so close to these aquatic behemoths you can almost high-fin them. And just when you thought your day couldn't get any more exhilarating, it's off to the golf courses where the greens are as manicured as your own fingernails. Playing a round here is akin to whispering sweet nothings to your golf ball, urging it into the hole with promises of an exclusive spot in your trophy room. So, don your nautical best and prep your swing – in Kennebunkport, we take both whale watching and golfing to a level so high, even eagles and albatrosses can't help but take notes.

The Iconic Goat Island Lighthouse

Ah, the Goat Island Lighthouse, a beacon of historical whimsy perched just a seagull's flight off Cape Porpoise. This isn't your average, run-of-the-mill lighthouse; oh no, this is where maritime chic meets rustic charm in a spectacular clash of eras. It's the perfect backdrop for those candid Instagram shots that scream "I'm casually absorbing culture while looking effortlessly fabulous." Venturing here is like stepping into a postcard, one that you're half-convinced was designed specifically for your personal aesthetic. Forget about the hordes of tourists flocking to more mainstream attractions; the Goat Island Lighthouse is where the true connoisseurs of unique experiences come to play. It's a symbol of guidance, not just for ships of old but for the modern traveler seeking a beacon amidst their luxury escapades. So, lace up your most comfortable yet stylish shoes and prepare for a journey that's as picturesque as it is steeped in the salty air of history.

two women lying on towels on a beach

Enjoy, travel, and visit Kennebunkport

Alright, dearest luxury-seekers and beach bums, as we wrap up this slightly sardonic yet utterly sincere serenade to Kennebunkport, let's not forget why your next trip needs to have this gem of Maine at the top of your itinerary. From the sun-kissed sands of its elite beaches to the culinary masterpieces awaiting your critique at every meal, Kennebunkport isn't just a destination; it's a lifestyle. Whether you're paddling through serene waters, indulging in a spa day that could very well be a spiritual awakening, or simply soaking up the local culture and charm (and maybe a cocktail or two), this place is the epitome of vacation goals. So, why visit Kennebunkport? Because, darling, amidst the sarcastic quips and playful jests, this coastal haven is where the good life isn't just lived; it's celebrated. Pack your bags, polish your sunglasses, and prepare for an escape that will leave your heart as full as your Instagram feed. Kennebunkport awaits, ready to transform your high-end holiday dreams into reality. Farewell for now, and may your travels be as extravagant as your taste.

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Daniel Rios

Digital Marketing Manager

Kennebunkport Resort Collection